Against the Grain

I've never really "fit in" with the conventional things my age group was/is doing.  My Dad has always said I was born old.  That I started at 15 and aged from there.

It's been on my mind a lot lately, and this weekend it finally boiled over...with one text message.

When I was 18 I graduated high school and all my friends were gushing about Rush, frat parties, getting into OU and other normal stuff.  Me?  I was stoked that I got a promotion at work.  I was making really good money for someone my age and had no intention of scaling back my work efforts to go to college.  I loved my job, so why stop making money to learn to make money, right? 

I worked my butt off to climb the ladder.  I moved out, about 6 months after graduation, into my own apartment in OKC.  I had a car payment, rent, utilities, insurance, etc.  I didn't have the time or money to do the things my friends were doing.  We slowly drifted apart.

I then met my now ex-husband.  He was 7 years older than me and I assumed we'd have a lot more in common because he was older.  Little did I know, some people never grow up, no matter how old they are.  Ultimately we had no core values in common.  Life lesson!  (I have Hayden because of those choices, so I wouldn't change a thing.)

After the divorce I lived the "single life" for a while.  I got back into touch with my old friends, and every KFW {kid free weekend} we lived it up.  I hit the bars, I met tons of new people, and made up for lost time.  But, I was living out part of my life that I missed out on.  It was short lived.  Just a phase.  It was fun but it lost a little of it's appeal with each passing KFW and hang-over.

I've always been freakishly domestic.  I sew, I cook, I don't mind cleaning or laundry, I scrapbook, I craft, etc.  I'm an enigma because I'm also driven and very competitive.  I've always liked working and couldn't understand why people would stay home with their kids when they could be at work making money.  But, as I get older, my views on it all change.  I'm a homebody.  I actually enjoy time with my family.  A fun evening out would be something simple like dinner & a movie or a sporting event {I may be a girl, but I love sports}.  To me, it's important who you're with...not what you're doing.

This brings me to the text message.  This past weekend Hayden was with his Dad.  He goes for a visit every-other-weekend.  My Friday night plans of dinner and a Red Hawks game, with Courtney and Jackie, fell through [I was super bummed because those girls are fabulous and we always have a blast!].  Bonnie was hosting girls night with some girls from work.  I was a tad bummed from some bad housing news (more on that another day), and didn't really feel very social.  So, my Dad took me to dinner.  It was great.  He gets me.  Probably because I'm a LOT like him.  This is a good thing though. 

I was in bed nearly asleep when my phone buzzed at 1am.  It was a text from a friend asking what I was doing.  Of course, my reply was "Laying in bed".  His reply back was "Oh, I forget you're 30 going on 43".

Yes, at 1am on a Friday night, I was in bed.  SUE ME!  I'm a single Mom who works 50 hour weeks and starts each day out at 6am.  By Friday night, I'm exhausted.  I'm talkin' fall-asleep-during-my-favorite-movie kind of exhausted.  Doesn't matter if it's a KFW or not. 

I guess his "age" for me goes with Dad's +15 rule of thumb.  I admit, when I read the text it pissed me off.  Royally.  But, now that I think about it, I'm happy to say that I was home, in bed at 1am.  I lived out my bar hopping/young 20's phase.  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.  I'm glad I had it, but I'm glad it's over.  I think those people that refuse to move on or grow up are sad.  Those guys/girls that you know you will ALWAYS see on campus on Friday/Saturday night even though they graduated 10+ years ago.  What a sad existence.

I guess I just go against the grain and I always have.  I'm a single Mom that wants nothing more than the "family life".  Even if that means I do it by myself.  All my friends are single without kids, or married with/without kids.  I don't have another single Mom in my close circle.  Yet again, I find myself not "fitting in".  90% of people my age are married with kids living the family life I'm attempting by myself.

But, I'm strong and I'll continue to do everything necessary to make the life I want for us.  I won't apologize for being tired at 1am, or having a life that doesn't allow me to sleep until 11am on the weekends.  I don't want that life.  If you do; more power to you.

"Some people have to tear others down to build themselves up or justify what they're doing."  Courtney pointed that out to me this weekend during a long chat.  I do love that girl.  She always has the right words.  And, get excited, no editing was required for that Court-quote.  :)

I leave you with this video.  I LOVE me some Francesca Battistelli.  This song really fits my life right now [Thanks for the reminder Lindsay!].

I truly am letting go of the life I had planned for me...